Here I Go Again

It has been about 3 1/2 years since I blogged, and for whatever reason, I decided to start again. Many things have changed since then, but I found an unpublished blog that has been sitting for 2 1/2 years, just waiting for me to read it again. I wrote it on October 10, 2015, just 6 days before my 9th child was born. I think I didn’t publish it because it was too close to home at the time. Looking back, no longer pregnant, I think I have the courage to publish it. I think it’s a pretty good segue piece. I will trust in You.

Trust? (from October 10, 2015)

Of all the things to cry about, most of my time is spent crying over being pregnant. Not because I’m hugging the toilet all day, not because I’m all alone and have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet, not because I am in an unstable relationship. Just because I don’t trust God.

I’ve thought a lot about this one, especially since Father asked me if I was happy about my 9th pregnancy. I couldn’t bring myself to say the ‘No’ that was in my heart, but I’ve been wondering ‘Why?’ ever since he mentioned it.

I love my children. Sure, they fight and make messes, they irritate me and are noisy – where was I going with this? – but they are beautiful people, full of life and individuality, who so easily love. I find myself surprised by their love, for me, for each other, and for God. They teach me so much. God must have known how much I needed to learn to give me so many children.

But I don’t think I’ve taken advantage of this learning time. I’m afraid I will wake up one day, 20 years from now, still not realizing how much I need my kids, how much I need relationship in order to understand who God is. He will wait patiently for me, of course, but will I jump at the opportunity to know God more fully, or will I pass Him by, like the other overlooked things I don’t have time for?

Trust is hard. It’s hard with the visible, nearly impossible with the invisible. I’ve spent so much time placing God in His tabernacle in the church that I seem to have forgotten He is dwelling among us, here and now, in the very people that I live with and love.

Pregnancy is just another way of reminding me of the invisible. That mysterious reality of God manifested in my life, in some unseen way. It is life-changing, it is a huge blessing, it is undeniable and unavoidable. Why can’t I embrace it?

Too much work. Too many sleepless nights. Too much crying and consoling and holding. Perhaps. But is it too much giggling? The sweet baby giggles that come straight from their bellies, or too many finger grasps, or too many sweet baby smells, too much staring at the tiny life that was once only yours to know?

I know the reward is greater than the effort. My head can completely rationalize pregnancy and all it entails. My heart is straggling behind, struggling with the selfish outlook that wants me to keep life easy, hoping that I can have the best of both worlds. But it shall never be. God would never want it so. I must shove off my selfishness, to make room for the essential relationships that will change my life, bless my life, make me stronger, more faithful, more trusting.

Give me strength, O Lord, to trust in You.